JUST THE FACTS, MA'AM
note: two songs sung alternately

I was born about ten thousand years ago
There ain't nothing in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing Ring Around the Roses
And I'll whup the guy who says it isn't so

I'm just a lonesome traveler, the great historical bum
Highly educated, from history I come
I built the Rock of Ages, twas in the year of one
And that was the biggest thing that man has ever done

I saw Satan when he looked the Garden o'er
I saw Eve and Adam driven from the door
From behind the bushes peeping, saw the apple they was eating
I swear that I'm the guy what ate the core
Garden of Eden?
Well, I built the Garden of Eden, it was in the year of two
Joined the Apple Pickers Union and I always paid my dues
I'm the man who signed the contract to raise the rising sun
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

I taught Samson how to use his mighty hands
Showed Columbus to this mighty land
And for Phaoroh's little kiddies built all the pyramiddies
And to the Sahara carried all the sand

Pyramids? why...
I was straw boss on the pyramids, the Tower of Babel too
I opened up the ocean, let the migrant children through
Well, I fought a million battles and I never lost a one
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done
I taught Solomon his little A B Cs
I was the first one ate Limburger cheese
And while sailing down the bay with Methuselah one day
I saved his flowing whiskers from the breeze

Well I was in the Revolution when we set this country free
It was me and a couple of Indians who dumped the Boston tea
Well I won the battle of Valley Forge and the Battle of
Bully Run
And that's about the biggest thing that man has ever done

Queen Elizabeth fell dead in love with me
We were married in Milwaukee secretly
But I snuck around and shook her, to go with General Hooker
To fight mosquiters down in Tennessee
Woody Guthrie wrote the second song
@humor @boast
see also PASSTHRU
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